Im stuck here in between the shadows of my yesterday

I found the boy of my dreams.

I leave for rehabilitation soon. Of course ill try and update this to remember this piece of me.

Where are we? Where are you?

I have to say it loud enough for the world to hear. Its getting late, and the night keeps moving on. It takes me in and brings me home. Its getting late and i cant deny how it feels like this. Im going to open up, i cant stop now. Wide awake getting my kicks while i can but your watching over the moments that make up your life. Its getting late. Sunrise sunrise you couldnt come at a better time.

I really hope you and i make it.

What really makes me sad is that i never had a chance to say goodbye. I never had the chance to justify, and you never had the chance to listen.

Things are getting heavy, but Good news is on the way.

This thing is gonna kill me. I need to try and get something for the pain. 123 pounds and its all just repeating. Im trying to grasp the song played on your piano. It Kills me to see you, you werent always attractive. But after over a year im done trying to stop you. No ones gonna fix this no one can. No one will listen, Two ways to tell a story but adds up to one single word. Two different voices coming out of your mouthe. I had a dream Or it was more like a nightmare. 123 pounds and its all just repeating.

I wonder if heaven got a ghetto?

I'd like to think life ends up with the choices you made along the way. Just like The choice to let someone else help you for a change. In the end you just have to trust your zen. And just be done with that.

I cant believe i dropped the ball at a time like this. My teams losing and Im running and running but they keep catching up. I lost and i dont know i really dont know if i can make a comeback. Once again im in a rut, and theyres no stopping the judgement from the audience. No stopping them from eating me alive.

If someone tells me they miss me one more time i will birth a cow...shutup and hit me up then!

"Im gonna do what I want, cause I do what i want everyday. Why in the hell should I stop drinkin whatevers in my cup? People need to mind they're own business. I dont care if its heroin in my cup...bitch its MY cup"

What is there anymore? To be or not to be. Im on the road to recovery.

How mindless and apathetic have i become? It would be so easy to just pack up and leave Just to hire some guy with a machine to erase that horrible memory. Those horrible people. Those horrible things. like in that one movie, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

Ive become extremly tired.

I'm safe high. :) "When its good its good til it goes bad. Im looking for myself, sober."

As the next song switches, I hang back. I want to see this as well as be a part of it. I want to remember it for what it is. I am amazed by the love I feel for so many people. I am amazed at the randomness, the comedy, and the faith that brings us all together and makes us hold on. I open myself wide to take it all in. The scene plays out like a rhapsody. And i think to myself, what a wonderful world.

Maybe we're all in the "i gave up" generation.

Ill be here in the mornin if you say stay

I wish you would hide me in the grave, and forget me there until your anger has passed.

Its your birthday, and even though you think i dont care about you i still always can write about you. Your my best friend, and even between breaks and uneven affection we still can say that we are here for eachother. Im so proud of you. You are starting to understand how much of an effect you have on people. Im glad your growing up and Youre even starting to look like yourself again. Things got crazy, they always seem to get crazy with you but you always drag yourself out of it. Im glad your not letting that hole suck you even lower. All those people can talk. They can say what they want but dont ever let it be heard. Its pathetic that they think they know so much anyways. Your my nigga and I can poor my heart out in these posts and in my journal under my bed but we both know how i feel about you. My best friend, family, and love of my life. Happy birthday. Make this year count For once.

If i know everything than i must know that im not the only one who does. Your poor judgement makes you look dumb, and clearly you dont Know one thing about me.

We are all 'catchers' , and its sad you dont see it, instead you see the PHONINESS you deplore out of the world; even after we point out that your in it. As you plunge past us, so sad to be leaving, and 'we', me, a little happy to be away.

Up in the distance I can see where I am going. Stuck in this ditchlike rut. Im not gone, just away. If you would have taken more than a minute to look me over you would have seen the promise. I am happy to be away from you. No just a little. A lot. Love of the loveless. Youll never feel at home when you finally realize that your always going to end up alone. They will all move on. I hope i can hear your tears like everyone else heard mine.

A message from my heart. Pounding away. Thank you. Bum bum bum bum bum

Every second I spend waiting drags me closer this grave I'm not alone, but on my own. And now; I dont think I can escape or replace you, its cold out here on the outside. Im glad I'm not stuck in 'it' any longer. I know wont get better until I'm worse. Send me smiles and love. I am ready for the change.

I'm everything I want in a friend. I can easily say i am exactly what i look for in a friend. Is that vain?

Tell me who you are.

Im really more like the "suffer in silence" type.

twilight fucks with my mind.

I think if i stop talking to people than maybe i wouldnt have to be the villan anymore. Im sick of 'messing everyone up' or not being thankful. Yes bob, i'm sorry for not being thankful. I should have stayed lonely. I dont want to be found anymore.

Im not wasting anymore time. I have taken everything back. I have spilled my soul, and my buttons have been pushed too many times to ignore. Im not mad, but I'm angry. You who still show faith, thank you. You who wrote me off, go to hell. Everyones an asshole, and i'm here to prove just that. I dont care if you think i'm fucking lucifer, i will never bow down and apologize again. (to you That is) those of you who think its acceptable to not forgive others are full of shit. You guys are whiny assholes who deserve to fall off a cliff, and to land in a large body of water with really hungry paronas. I know what i've done wrong. I dont need a constant reminder. I dont need to "talk about it". I dont need to let anyone cool down. I do not care for your loss of precence in my life. And another thing: NO ONE do me favors. Im sick of it being thrown back into my face and bled out my eyes. You asshole, a favor is something you do for others. Dont tell me how "great of a friend" you were, and expect me to not roll my eyes out of the socket in my head and into a cup filled with acid. This is my irritation month, and my wrath will be angrier than those grapes, if and when i actually decide to follow what these demented voices tell me to do, those of you Fucks who are described in the words above will be paid an exceptional amount of pain one way or another. Maybe not from me but from the justice God has promised for the ones who let him do what he loves to do best: PUNISH :)

The worry of laughter is on my lips. I should hope that you turn out fine. But I Always hope that some sadness crosses your mind.
I cant wait for you.
I cant wait for you.

Not all my posts are supposed to be sad. Dark gets me deep. Picture i.d.'s tomarrow. I should be happy. I have a new form of warmth along with new summer sandals. I will keep singing "how lucky we are".

What do you have that I want so bad? All these scribbles in my notebook, return to you. All my secrets under my bed, return to you. All the teardrops, return to you. Give me my life back. I dont remember what it felt like to depend on something greater than I.
I am lonely.

And did I mention how much I miss this almost 'wholeness'? :)

As if school couldnt get any harder than it already is, I have to endure the looks he gives. I don't particularly miss him, but I do wish he wouldn't have said what he said. I don't know how anyone can hope I am illuminated and actually mean that. I didn't know I was that bad.
And again, I see hope through the other. How can I have a doubt in my mind that we will overcome watever is thrown at us, in our hopeful 'relationship'.

Fly

it has been way too long

i cant even explain how much is going on.

you dont stand a chance againt gryffindor

Take off on my broom
I'm gonna fly circles around you
And there's no way that you're gonna get that snitch
No you're not gonna get that snitch from me
You're not gonna get that snitch


maybe if i listen to enough of these tales , they will come true.

to my ex boyfriend

you pathetic fuck who doesnt even know wich way is up
you didnt deserve my time, grow up, baby dick.

okay i said it. goodbye.

chapter one

you left me alone and im supposed to let you walk away saying "i dont care".

just got paid

lets get laid

They'll feel it in the back of their throat.

Things have been rough rough rough in the making and superstition faking

i cant get enough of the taste of him, his body, his love.

through tears

if god shows up most through suffering
why arent me and him best friends?

my life has been constant suffering and sorrow. not because i chose for it to be this way but because god has chosen it to go this way. even through prayer and self help books have i found my self at a dead end in all corners of my life.
truly truly am i sorry that you and everyone else who reads this has put up for me as long as you have.
My negative apathetic attitude has truly blossomed

someone

has to read the things i post and kind of admire me...right?

I didnt know i whined and bitched this much...

for the homies

Everything is sort of closing in. Not completely in a bad way...BUT....
He isn't even in the process of trying to realize how badly he's hurting everyone else around him. Something like this is inexcuseable and if you were me then you'd feel the same way.

My friends and closest 'enemies' are trying to make me understand that i am not the best to be around and my lifestyle needs some sort of change, soon if not now. I have come to the conclusion to agree and start over. I'm giving christ a chance to wash away whatever it was i decided to form my life into. I'm sick of being the lazy girl who lives in the shit hole she stays dwelling in. i wont stay here and i hope this is worth enough, i hope that my words can be worth enough this time around. i need more help then i thought i did.
I'm reaching out. i swear i am.

I miss my mom, and she hasn't called. i think the reason I'm so afraid to call her is because maybe she has nothing 'good' to say and maybe thats all i really want to hear. obviously I'm not in the 100% frame of mind i'd like to be in. she needs to understand it eventually. i need to understand THIS eventually. if she doesn't, if i don't, we will surely die out.

Me and him,
we are pulling along and although I keep repeating the 'i love you' and the 'baby's' i still feel like i mean every word of them. i absolutely and positively still adore everything about him. he's even better then when i met him and i keep repeating how proud i am of the person he is growing into. he is becoming bigger than he thinks, and even if no one else is noticing then ill make sure to say i am. he is beautiful and amazing and i want him to feel like how i feel about himself. He's almost over this obsticle and I'm so proud of the prayer he's been doing and how much he's been trusting in God. I pray this doesn't change. i pray this will only get better.

everything is sort of looking kind of more like potential rather than a burden. finally.

flowing

Christ is opening my eyes. I'm glad I'm giving this, HIM another try.

pray for me. I want and need change.

this is wierd

it needs to be said that, i am bothered that me and jessica arent friends anymore.

forgiveness

I have to try real hard to think that anyone would miss me if i were gone.


meanwhile,
my insecurities are ripping us to shreds. we have no backbone and i'm filling you up with anger and frustration. i don't want to hurt the one boy i have ever loved but thats what you get for dealing with a selfish suicidal B.

I love you

"lies and bullshit
and bullshit and lies
you'd think i'd give up
after so many tries
but my finger's on the trigger
and my eyes are on the prize"

I'm sick

very very sick.

sick

I just remembered!

this isn't in the order you think it's in

1. Your self confidence makes me want to puke, and even though we dont talk very much anymore i wonder if its wrong of me to think that i should be the one to tell you that "your not attractive, and making me or anyone else feel less like it is just a waste. you make yourself look dumb".

2. I dont see you anymore. I dont want to see or talk to you anymore. I dont need to write this nice 'i miss you' paragraph when in reality it all really boiled down to this: "she's too busy shooting up". wrong choice of words asshole.

3. I'm afraid to leave you. If i leave, or you lose me than i feel like no one will be there. your beautiful. your a star. your dance moves brighten every one of my bad days. dont leave even when you really really want to.

4. He's a scumbag, and you deserve only the best. i know it seems like i'm jealous or just being a straight up bitch but you need to know i just care beyond the level i should be caring. KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW.

5. Your one of the best things i've ever had. When god handed me you, i knew that it was going to be the best and the worst and too much all at the same time. I was right and these months have felt like years but in the best way possible. If i had wishes unlimited it would be to continue to make you the happiest you've ever been. everything will get better. hold onto me.

6. I'm glad you didnt leave me. even when i was a monster bitch you were here and aware of what it was that was going on. you take me in and out and try to cure the disease i cannot rid. your probably one of the best friends i've ever had because truth is you know it just as well as i do.

p.s.
i'll make it up to you

7. You've always been there and you will continue to be there. I can't explain in words how much you mean to me. sisters for life and til death do us part. your the best twin anyone could ask for.


I dont think anyone else deserves one

let's sleep til' the sun burns out

Never caught my breath
Every second I'm without you I'm a mess
Ever know each other
Trust these words are stones
why cuts aren't healing
Learning how to love

In and out we go and hide from how we feel. I'm confused and I shouldn't be. These dreams are getting thicker in length. blank screens and tears fall, but when will OUR curtain finally fall?



As long as you're alive
Here I am
I promise I will take you there

As long as you're alive
Here I am
I promise I will take you there

Won't you think I'm pretty
When I'm standing top the bright lit city
And I'll take your hand and pick you up
And keep you there so you can see it
So long as you're alive and care
I promise I will take you there
So long as you're alive and care
I promise I will take you there

So here I am it's in my hands
And I'll savor every moment of this
So here I am alive at last
And I'll savor every moment of this
Savor every moment of this
Savor every moment of this

I'm beginning to get where everyones coming from when they tell me to pick up my frown. I can only bask in my own realizations. I love this heat, and this sunshine but this wind is making me feel unusual.

I can't help but wonder if i'm the reason for all my friends falling so short on hope...

i'm unusual

I see that I write really depressing things. This may or may not leave a bad impression on me. The new year. The new me.
I think its time I find my faith.

I have admitted I'm depressed and in the clinical sense way beyond when I should have started therapy and medication. I feel so bad for the poeple who put up with me daily. Especially the boy I love the most. I guess what i'm trying to say is thank you, and maybe you can squeeze out an "i'm sorry".

we're not here

something is missing.

I can tell everyone around me is getting tired of the whole catch and release method I'm working on.
Things have been getting better, but the confusion level in my life seems to deepen to the point where i cant see it.


I can tell you that i love you but i can't force you to believe it. you didn't call back and you never do. katy, you don't know what your talking about. i can always try to convince myself that he loves me as much as i love him but it wont ever stick like its supposed to. I don't like being in love and i don't think i ever will. things seem to worsen every week. all i wanted and want was you. I'm afraid. what if. what if, this never goes away?

i deserve to be happy. i deserve to be happy. i deserve to be happy, but everything else in this universe is proving that statement completely wrong. I guess its just one of those days, weeks, months...

i can't keep living like this. If i stay this way I will die.

The Honey & the Moon

If your not happy without me then this means something. It has to.
You've been away from me for a week exactly. i miss everything about you.
Your faces, your smiles, and that tiny body wrapping over a gigantic heart.

Remember when we first met
and everything was still a bet
in love's game
you would call; I'd call you back
and then I'd leave
a message
on your answering
machine

But right now
everything is turning blue,
and right now
the sun is trying to kill the moon,
and right now
I wish I could follow you
to the shores
of freedom,
where no one lives


I miss you. we miss you, and i cant stress enough how much i miss you. Love has become something i can't explain when it comes to you, and i'm taking that as a compliment. I need you right now, but I think you switching up the game and all is a wonderful idea. we're strong again. and as i concluded:If you weren't real i'd probably make you up.

for all the lovers who

I'ts been 5 days and I cannot control the tears

this is the worst new years of my life, but the best at the same time.
You have no idea how much i miss you.
COME HOME