1. find myself
2. give god another shot
3. give social lifes a shot
4. get a job
5. try with the gym
6. quit the mooch life
7. eliminate the big 'D'
Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
isn't depression a wonderful thing?
I have set my goals to the satisfaction of the boy i desire most. not that he really cares but i should let this out
this weather has gotten my back turned and not a good attitude. as hard as i try to break away from this it somehow pulls me in deeper. i have this letter played out in my brain:
Dear mom,
this christmas wasn't a christmas without you.
i know you think we have all forgotten about your crazy hair and half smiles, but we haven't. i think i missed you the most right next to grandma. i didn't get exactly what i wanted which was another chance to see you. i miss you mama i really miss you. dont leave me again. come home.
ps
when will he really like me?
this weather has gotten my back turned and not a good attitude. as hard as i try to break away from this it somehow pulls me in deeper. i have this letter played out in my brain:
Dear mom,
this christmas wasn't a christmas without you.
i know you think we have all forgotten about your crazy hair and half smiles, but we haven't. i think i missed you the most right next to grandma. i didn't get exactly what i wanted which was another chance to see you. i miss you mama i really miss you. dont leave me again. come home.
ps
when will he really like me?
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
I can never imagine feeling that way about anybody else, ever again.
this is hard for me to say/write out and ive done my best to send all this out of my brain, but im starting to accept that its not going anywhere.
you. you, are the world to me. being me and knowing that anyone else who reads this wont even begin to try and understand what im talking about but i dont care. i want you to know i loved every minute i spent with you. i wont even dream until i know its back the same
"I thought that if I could write something beautiful, something honest, I could make someone love me. I've taken a lot for granted. I've never tried too hard; always avoided responsibility. I came here because I was running away, 'cause I wanted to be alone. Instead I met you and you weren't taking anything for granted. I hope you get all the moments you deserve.... I'm sorry for a lot of things, but most of all that I never got the chance to tell you that, no matter what happens next, I'll never be anything but grateful for every moment I spent with you. And even though I keep fumbling for the right words, all I really wanted to say was thank you. "
you. you, are the world to me. being me and knowing that anyone else who reads this wont even begin to try and understand what im talking about but i dont care. i want you to know i loved every minute i spent with you. i wont even dream until i know its back the same
"I thought that if I could write something beautiful, something honest, I could make someone love me. I've taken a lot for granted. I've never tried too hard; always avoided responsibility. I came here because I was running away, 'cause I wanted to be alone. Instead I met you and you weren't taking anything for granted. I hope you get all the moments you deserve.... I'm sorry for a lot of things, but most of all that I never got the chance to tell you that, no matter what happens next, I'll never be anything but grateful for every moment I spent with you. And even though I keep fumbling for the right words, all I really wanted to say was thank you. "
the ride
to sum it all up in the smartest words possible:
"You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning
You got a lotta nerve
To say you gota helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that's winning
You say I let you down
You know it's not like that
If you're so hurt
Why then don't you show it
You say you lost your faith
But that's not where it's at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it
I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You're in with
Do you take me for such a fool
To think I'd make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don't know to begin with
You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, "How are you?" "Good luck"
But you don't mean it
When you know as well as me
You'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once
And scream it
No, I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I'd rob them
And now I know you're dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don't you understand
It's not my problem
I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is
To see you"
"You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning
You got a lotta nerve
To say you gota helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that's winning
You say I let you down
You know it's not like that
If you're so hurt
Why then don't you show it
You say you lost your faith
But that's not where it's at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it
I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You're in with
Do you take me for such a fool
To think I'd make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don't know to begin with
You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, "How are you?" "Good luck"
But you don't mean it
When you know as well as me
You'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once
And scream it
No, I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I'd rob them
And now I know you're dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don't you understand
It's not my problem
I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is
To see you"
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
hand in hand
I'm shutting down.
i cant break up with you. i cant break up with you. i cant break up with you.
the biggest mistake of 2008
i cant break up with you. i cant break up with you. i cant break up with you.
the biggest mistake of 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
holding
I am so bored with everything i have right now.
school, friends, fate, etc.
help me. i need to escape.
school, friends, fate, etc.
help me. i need to escape.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
it just goes to show me
that life isn't so beautiful off of drugs. There is a harsh reality to everything i touch isnt there?
If i only lived in that world james lives in, where he can make everything so big so tiny and just expect everything to crawl to him, and in the end. somehow it does. it always does. maybe he's just lucky.
You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'
I will continue to be a dreamer, a wisher, and a believer. it's just getting harder for my kind isnt it. those of us stuck on shutting our eyes in order to see are realizing that we may need to open them more often.
I have been reading up, and not really catching up on my friend katy conti, and to see that some guy fucked her over makes me extremely mad. shes an amazing person and to think this asshole can attempt to do something like this makes me want to scream. although i do not see why she would drop a single tear for him i still must say i know the feeling. i'm sorry sweetie, if your reading this i am so sorry.
meanwhile, i tried to breakup with james. i begged him to mouthe the words change and it was me who in the end shouted it. I can't make him who I want him to be. i can see him and wish and stay the dreamer or know that i have the oppurtunity to find someone else to give me the time anyone who could try deserves. i dont want to do that, but i can't be alone anymore. i cant do THIS on my own.
it can't always be about me.
If i only lived in that world james lives in, where he can make everything so big so tiny and just expect everything to crawl to him, and in the end. somehow it does. it always does. maybe he's just lucky.
You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'
I will continue to be a dreamer, a wisher, and a believer. it's just getting harder for my kind isnt it. those of us stuck on shutting our eyes in order to see are realizing that we may need to open them more often.
I have been reading up, and not really catching up on my friend katy conti, and to see that some guy fucked her over makes me extremely mad. shes an amazing person and to think this asshole can attempt to do something like this makes me want to scream. although i do not see why she would drop a single tear for him i still must say i know the feeling. i'm sorry sweetie, if your reading this i am so sorry.
meanwhile, i tried to breakup with james. i begged him to mouthe the words change and it was me who in the end shouted it. I can't make him who I want him to be. i can see him and wish and stay the dreamer or know that i have the oppurtunity to find someone else to give me the time anyone who could try deserves. i dont want to do that, but i can't be alone anymore. i cant do THIS on my own.
it can't always be about me.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
let me show you
if i may, my life.
so on and so on i keep trudding through my pain, sorrow, joy, etc. And there are people i owe my laughter and time to. I am probably not as alone as i claim to be and thank god for that.
I have jessica quayle and i couldnt be anymore excited about her.If i could tolerate one blonde hair blue eyed person for the rest of my life, it would be jessica. She believes in me. And I'm a dreamer so it's so good to have somebody like that in my life. If she goes away, I don't know what I'm going to do. I mean, she's my best friend, you know?...She's more than that...She's everything. wich sounds super lesbian but watevz you get the picture right jess dawg. one year gone by, and many more to come.
Love is just love, it can never be explained.
A sister is both your mirror - and your opposite.
I can't spend a day without you wich worries me because we both know eventually we wont be together. I'm sorry for everything. You mean the world to me and it's all true. Your gonna win and as much as I hate to admit it, i'll be right there with you. always. baby sister, best friend, and anything in between you have no idea how complete you make my life. Don't doubt it for a second.
Monday, November 24, 2008
i don't blame you
but i blame myself, its gone way too far.
They said you were the best,
But then they are only kids
Then you would recall the deadly houses you grew up in
Just because they knew your name,
Doesn’t mean they know from where you came
What a sad trick you thought that you had to play.
But I don’t blame you
They never owned it
And you never owed it to them anyway.
I don’t blame you.
i just want you to know that.
we are so young, and i'm in love with the thought of us. I understand it's not just you but mainly truly all me.
I'm not picking fights baby, i'm looking for something more than what i get, i made a huge mistake and for that i live alone. i walk with you and am still alone, i hold hands with you and still am alone. I just wish you knew how it felt. please feel how i feel. I dont know if i really am supposed to feel this way. please tell me this isnt it.
i'm afraid this is it. god damnit. i thought i was in love.
I'M LOSING IT. how blind you all seem.
They said you were the best,
But then they are only kids
Then you would recall the deadly houses you grew up in
Just because they knew your name,
Doesn’t mean they know from where you came
What a sad trick you thought that you had to play.
But I don’t blame you
They never owned it
And you never owed it to them anyway.
I don’t blame you.
i just want you to know that.
we are so young, and i'm in love with the thought of us. I understand it's not just you but mainly truly all me.
I'm not picking fights baby, i'm looking for something more than what i get, i made a huge mistake and for that i live alone. i walk with you and am still alone, i hold hands with you and still am alone. I just wish you knew how it felt. please feel how i feel. I dont know if i really am supposed to feel this way. please tell me this isnt it.
i'm afraid this is it. god damnit. i thought i was in love.
I'M LOSING IT. how blind you all seem.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
I wont hide anymore.
I live my day in a bite sized surprise. I dont have very much say in what goes on, even in the small ecosystem I, myself form.
My days grow longer by time and shorter by light, just like everyone elses and i find myself losing it.
I don't make any sense to all of everyone who existed in my life just last year around this time. I waste my thoughts on the thoughtless and frankly, it is sad. very very sad.
I miss a lot of everything i have lost. I am so sorry mom.
LAST night,
i felt good, and it was a change. I am happy for that change. thank god for that change.
I have been living too slow, and not slow enough.
The earth, I will not let my emotions get in the way any longer.
I am sorry baby, ladies and gentleman. I lead some of you on far too much and I am exhausted.
All i want are him and them, and i leave myself repeating:
It's the best thing that you've ever had, the best thing that you've ever, ever
had.
It's the best thing that you've ever had; the best thing you've had has gone away
I wasn't so much as scared but confused.
My days grow longer by time and shorter by light, just like everyone elses and i find myself losing it.
I don't make any sense to all of everyone who existed in my life just last year around this time. I waste my thoughts on the thoughtless and frankly, it is sad. very very sad.
I miss a lot of everything i have lost. I am so sorry mom.
LAST night,
i felt good, and it was a change. I am happy for that change. thank god for that change.
I have been living too slow, and not slow enough.
The earth, I will not let my emotions get in the way any longer.
I am sorry baby, ladies and gentleman. I lead some of you on far too much and I am exhausted.
All i want are him and them, and i leave myself repeating:
It's the best thing that you've ever had, the best thing that you've ever, ever
had.
It's the best thing that you've ever had; the best thing you've had has gone away
I wasn't so much as scared but confused.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
I bide my time
Pick at the petals, play the good best friend.
You ask me what I'm looking for and I outline you
you don't recognize the shape, offer other names
You say my time will come, and I hope
I know this is how the world works.
It would be funny if it wasn't my heart
She is the weakness you think of as strength
While I am the strength you have no idea is there.
I am the one who knows who you are.
I want you to be happy
And you could be happy
With me.
You ask me what I'm looking for and I outline you
you don't recognize the shape, offer other names
You say my time will come, and I hope
I know this is how the world works.
It would be funny if it wasn't my heart
She is the weakness you think of as strength
While I am the strength you have no idea is there.
I am the one who knows who you are.
I want you to be happy
And you could be happy
With me.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
your secrets
I'm not the safest person, and definately not the brightest. I don't know my right from my left. I set everyone apart and acuse them one by one until they are all fed up. No one tells me what i am to my face, but lets the wind carry it instead.
I keep preaching the same tune over and over again and i'm starting to wonder myself why.
I'm going to die alone. Jesus christ i am always all alone.
"I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
Trying to turn our hate in factories
But, we all got wood and nails
Trying to turn our hate in factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
Trying to turn out hate in factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine"
I miss him whenever he isnt with me, and this contest of wether who can prove it better is getting real old. I dont know wether i should throw in the towl or get used to the taste of sweat.
I am tired of watching you when your happy and feel completely exhausted with just watching. we're both on different roads and i know wich one of us is going to make it. I know. I know your plans of yours keep you warm, i can hear your laugh from here. But lately im finding out its just not for me.
I keep preaching the same tune over and over again and i'm starting to wonder myself why.
I'm going to die alone. Jesus christ i am always all alone.
"I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
Trying to turn our hate in factories
But, we all got wood and nails
Trying to turn our hate in factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
Trying to turn out hate in factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine"
I miss him whenever he isnt with me, and this contest of wether who can prove it better is getting real old. I dont know wether i should throw in the towl or get used to the taste of sweat.
I am tired of watching you when your happy and feel completely exhausted with just watching. we're both on different roads and i know wich one of us is going to make it. I know. I know your plans of yours keep you warm, i can hear your laugh from here. But lately im finding out its just not for me.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Take my advice and stay away from broken people.
Everyone around me is losing it.
I start to notice that when I wake up I wake up happy, feeling good... but then I get very depressed, because I'm living in reality. and It seems the things I've wanted in my life I've never had. And so it's no surprise that living only leaves me sad. Happiness, where are you? I've searched so long for you. Happiness, what are you? I haven't got a clue. Happiness, why do you have to stay... so far away... from me?
I know; we know its not your problem, but everythings falling apart and i swear i'm the only one seeing it. I see it in slow motion and its everyday. I'm not crazy or emotionally challenged. I'm Just Not Blind. I'm the only one in dyer need in this world to have their eyes ripped out. I just dont understand if this was the 'plan' or not.
I start to notice that when I wake up I wake up happy, feeling good... but then I get very depressed, because I'm living in reality. and It seems the things I've wanted in my life I've never had. And so it's no surprise that living only leaves me sad. Happiness, where are you? I've searched so long for you. Happiness, what are you? I haven't got a clue. Happiness, why do you have to stay... so far away... from me?
I know; we know its not your problem, but everythings falling apart and i swear i'm the only one seeing it. I see it in slow motion and its everyday. I'm not crazy or emotionally challenged. I'm Just Not Blind. I'm the only one in dyer need in this world to have their eyes ripped out. I just dont understand if this was the 'plan' or not.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
I felt for you
while I watched you sleep.
We're just strangers sharing beds with memories with talking heads. Our bodies fell apart and made an awful mess. And now you're falling out of your dress clothes into the arms of oh who knows. If memory serves me well I miss you
We're just strangers sharing beds with memories with talking heads. Our bodies fell apart and made an awful mess. And now you're falling out of your dress clothes into the arms of oh who knows. If memory serves me well I miss you
Monday, November 3, 2008
undecided.
I am starting a new. I wont give up on my good times or even my bad.
If i have to keep repeating this i will. Promise. As for the rest I have given up. School please interest me.
I can't get you out of my head. I dont want to.
I love you so much it stuck, your stuck with me.
God I love you. Please keep loving me.
If i have to keep repeating this i will. Promise. As for the rest I have given up. School please interest me.
I can't get you out of my head. I dont want to.
I love you so much it stuck, your stuck with me.
God I love you. Please keep loving me.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
right now.
I am simple. I am plain, and I'm informed so on a regular basis. But I guess that's just another piece of who i am. Low-key. Low-key with a lot to say.
this rain has got a lot to explain.
this rain has got a lot to explain.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
“I say there're no depressed words just depressed minds.”
It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul.
I cry a lot. My emotions are very close to my surface. I don't want to hold anything in so it festers and turns into pus - a pustule of emotion that explodes into a festering cesspool of depression. I can't even construct a fantasy future in my mind. I am destined to be a failure. I am indeed destined to fail.
Everyone around me is either feeding me lies or the truth, and the truth sounds like a lie and the lies sound like the truth, niether is a joke. I dont take everything seriously but anything; if that makes sense. Of course, I have good going on in all directions of my life, but i can't help but notice that everything around me is so empty looking. I am looking at my state of emptiness. Everyones lonely right now. It cant possibly be the weather, or the holiday just yet, but soon enough we will have those for excuses.
I have to ask, does anybody else feel this reduction of feeling?
I cry a lot. My emotions are very close to my surface. I don't want to hold anything in so it festers and turns into pus - a pustule of emotion that explodes into a festering cesspool of depression. I can't even construct a fantasy future in my mind. I am destined to be a failure. I am indeed destined to fail.
Everyone around me is either feeding me lies or the truth, and the truth sounds like a lie and the lies sound like the truth, niether is a joke. I dont take everything seriously but anything; if that makes sense. Of course, I have good going on in all directions of my life, but i can't help but notice that everything around me is so empty looking. I am looking at my state of emptiness. Everyones lonely right now. It cant possibly be the weather, or the holiday just yet, but soon enough we will have those for excuses.
I have to ask, does anybody else feel this reduction of feeling?
Saturday, October 25, 2008
not too much worry
I can't remember life before depression.
I always felt a lot more 'down' then the rest, and now that i stop and realize it its kind of sad. I have no background time where i was actually happy, and it's emberrassing. I dont want to be the sickly depressed psych ward girl that your friends with. Im not even sure I want to exist at all anymore. God damnit, this doesnt make any sense but, i cant find anyways to express how lonely i feel right now. lately.
why am i feeling this way? I'm taking five steps backward and it's all going down what everyone is building up for me. FOR ME. I'm an idiot.
but...
I guess we are doing good. We fight we make up and its like a game to me sometimes, but i dont even enjoy it anymore. I dont want to be in love with him but i am in love with him. Jesus H. Christ i am in love with him. But somethings missing. still.
i'm off house arrest but it still feels like jail.
THIS DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU
I always felt a lot more 'down' then the rest, and now that i stop and realize it its kind of sad. I have no background time where i was actually happy, and it's emberrassing. I dont want to be the sickly depressed psych ward girl that your friends with. Im not even sure I want to exist at all anymore. God damnit, this doesnt make any sense but, i cant find anyways to express how lonely i feel right now. lately.
why am i feeling this way? I'm taking five steps backward and it's all going down what everyone is building up for me. FOR ME. I'm an idiot.
but...
I guess we are doing good. We fight we make up and its like a game to me sometimes, but i dont even enjoy it anymore. I dont want to be in love with him but i am in love with him. Jesus H. Christ i am in love with him. But somethings missing. still.
i'm off house arrest but it still feels like jail.
THIS DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU
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