new years resolutions

1. find myself
2. give god another shot
3. give social lifes a shot
4. get a job
5. try with the gym
6. quit the mooch life
7. eliminate the big 'D'

isn't depression a wonderful thing?

I have set my goals to the satisfaction of the boy i desire most. not that he really cares but i should let this out
this weather has gotten my back turned and not a good attitude. as hard as i try to break away from this it somehow pulls me in deeper. i have this letter played out in my brain:


Dear mom,
this christmas wasn't a christmas without you.
i know you think we have all forgotten about your crazy hair and half smiles, but we haven't. i think i missed you the most right next to grandma. i didn't get exactly what i wanted which was another chance to see you. i miss you mama i really miss you. dont leave me again. come home.

ps
when will he really like me?

am i destined

to be alone?


is it just me or is this winter even colder than before?

I can never imagine feeling that way about anybody else, ever again.

this is hard for me to say/write out and ive done my best to send all this out of my brain, but im starting to accept that its not going anywhere.

you. you, are the world to me. being me and knowing that anyone else who reads this wont even begin to try and understand what im talking about but i dont care. i want you to know i loved every minute i spent with you. i wont even dream until i know its back the same










"I thought that if I could write something beautiful, something honest, I could make someone love me. I've taken a lot for granted. I've never tried too hard; always avoided responsibility. I came here because I was running away, 'cause I wanted to be alone. Instead I met you and you weren't taking anything for granted. I hope you get all the moments you deserve.... I'm sorry for a lot of things, but most of all that I never got the chance to tell you that, no matter what happens next, I'll never be anything but grateful for every moment I spent with you. And even though I keep fumbling for the right words, all I really wanted to say was thank you. "

the ride

to sum it all up in the smartest words possible:
"You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning

You got a lotta nerve
To say you gota helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that's winning

You say I let you down
You know it's not like that
If you're so hurt
Why then don't you show it

You say you lost your faith
But that's not where it's at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it

I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You're in with

Do you take me for such a fool
To think I'd make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don't know to begin with

You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, "How are you?" "Good luck"
But you don't mean it

When you know as well as me
You'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once
And scream it

No, I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I'd rob them

And now I know you're dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don't you understand
It's not my problem

I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you

Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is
To see you"

im going back to the beginning

I cant pretend anymore

hand in hand

I'm shutting down.


i cant break up with you. i cant break up with you. i cant break up with you.
the biggest mistake of 2008

holding

I am so bored with everything i have right now.
school, friends, fate, etc.

help me. i need to escape.

it just goes to show me

that life isn't so beautiful off of drugs. There is a harsh reality to everything i touch isnt there?
If i only lived in that world james lives in, where he can make everything so big so tiny and just expect everything to crawl to him, and in the end. somehow it does. it always does. maybe he's just lucky.
You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'
I will continue to be a dreamer, a wisher, and a believer. it's just getting harder for my kind isnt it. those of us stuck on shutting our eyes in order to see are realizing that we may need to open them more often.

I have been reading up, and not really catching up on my friend katy conti, and to see that some guy fucked her over makes me extremely mad. shes an amazing person and to think this asshole can attempt to do something like this makes me want to scream. although i do not see why she would drop a single tear for him i still must say i know the feeling. i'm sorry sweetie, if your reading this i am so sorry.

meanwhile, i tried to breakup with james. i begged him to mouthe the words change and it was me who in the end shouted it. I can't make him who I want him to be. i can see him and wish and stay the dreamer or know that i have the oppurtunity to find someone else to give me the time anyone who could try deserves. i dont want to do that, but i can't be alone anymore. i cant do THIS on my own.
it can't always be about me.