I cant pretend anymore

hand in hand

I'm shutting down.


i cant break up with you. i cant break up with you. i cant break up with you.
the biggest mistake of 2008

holding

I am so bored with everything i have right now.
school, friends, fate, etc.

help me. i need to escape.

it just goes to show me

that life isn't so beautiful off of drugs. There is a harsh reality to everything i touch isnt there?
If i only lived in that world james lives in, where he can make everything so big so tiny and just expect everything to crawl to him, and in the end. somehow it does. it always does. maybe he's just lucky.
You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'
I will continue to be a dreamer, a wisher, and a believer. it's just getting harder for my kind isnt it. those of us stuck on shutting our eyes in order to see are realizing that we may need to open them more often.

I have been reading up, and not really catching up on my friend katy conti, and to see that some guy fucked her over makes me extremely mad. shes an amazing person and to think this asshole can attempt to do something like this makes me want to scream. although i do not see why she would drop a single tear for him i still must say i know the feeling. i'm sorry sweetie, if your reading this i am so sorry.

meanwhile, i tried to breakup with james. i begged him to mouthe the words change and it was me who in the end shouted it. I can't make him who I want him to be. i can see him and wish and stay the dreamer or know that i have the oppurtunity to find someone else to give me the time anyone who could try deserves. i dont want to do that, but i can't be alone anymore. i cant do THIS on my own.
it can't always be about me.

i have come to the conclusion

there is sun shining and birds chirping. i will cope.

let me show you

if i may, my life.

so on and so on i keep trudding through my pain, sorrow, joy, etc. And there are people i owe my laughter and time to. I am probably not as alone as i claim to be and thank god for that.

I have jessica quayle and i couldnt be anymore excited about her.
If i could tolerate one blonde hair blue eyed person for the rest of my life, it would be jessica. She believes in me. And I'm a dreamer so it's so good to have somebody like that in my life. If she goes away, I don't know what I'm going to do. I mean, she's my best friend, you know?...She's more than that...She's everything. wich sounds super lesbian but watevz you get the picture right jess dawg. one year gone by, and many more to come.



Love is just love, it can never be explained.




A sister is both your mirror - and your opposite.
I can't spend a day without you wich worries me because we both know eventually we wont be together. I'm sorry for everything. You mean the world to me and it's all true. Your gonna win and as much as I hate to admit it, i'll be right there with you. always. baby sister, best friend, and anything in between you have no idea how complete you make my life. Don't doubt it for a second.

i don't blame you

but i blame myself, its gone way too far.

They said you were the best,
But then they are only kids
Then you would recall the deadly houses you grew up in
Just because they knew your name,
Doesn’t mean they know from where you came
What a sad trick you thought that you had to play.
But I don’t blame you

They never owned it
And you never owed it to them anyway.

I don’t blame you.
i just want you to know that.

we are so young, and i'm in love with the thought of us. I understand it's not just you but mainly truly all me.
I'm not picking fights baby, i'm looking for something more than what i get, i made a huge mistake and for that i live alone. i walk with you and am still alone, i hold hands with you and still am alone. I just wish you knew how it felt. please feel how i feel. I dont know if i really am supposed to feel this way. please tell me this isnt it.

i'm afraid this is it. god damnit. i thought i was in love.



I'M LOSING IT. how blind you all seem.