“I say there're no depressed words just depressed minds.”

It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul.
I cry a lot. My emotions are very close to my surface. I don't want to hold anything in so it festers and turns into pus - a pustule of emotion that explodes into a festering cesspool of depression. I can't even construct a fantasy future in my mind. I am destined to be a failure. I am indeed destined to fail.
Everyone around me is either feeding me lies or the truth, and the truth sounds like a lie and the lies sound like the truth, niether is a joke. I dont take everything seriously but anything; if that makes sense. Of course, I have good going on in all directions of my life, but i can't help but notice that everything around me is so empty looking. I am looking at my state of emptiness. Everyones lonely right now. It cant possibly be the weather, or the holiday just yet, but soon enough we will have those for excuses.

I have to ask, does anybody else feel this reduction of feeling?

not too much worry

I can't remember life before depression.
I always felt a lot more 'down' then the rest, and now that i stop and realize it its kind of sad. I have no background time where i was actually happy, and it's emberrassing. I dont want to be the sickly depressed psych ward girl that your friends with. Im not even sure I want to exist at all anymore. God damnit, this doesnt make any sense but, i cant find anyways to express how lonely i feel right now. lately.

why am i feeling this way? I'm taking five steps backward and it's all going down what everyone is building up for me. FOR ME. I'm an idiot.

but...
I guess we are doing good. We fight we make up and its like a game to me sometimes, but i dont even enjoy it anymore. I dont want to be in love with him but i am in love with him. Jesus H. Christ i am in love with him. But somethings missing. still.

i'm off house arrest but it still feels like jail.
THIS DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU